Mr. Spock

I don’t know whether I’m going to get away with saying this, but my wife used to find the strong silent type of person very attractive; the sort of person who was reliable and not given to being ruled by emotions, like Mr. Spock on Star Trek. Fortunately for me, I fitted the bill, though she didn’t know what she was letting herself in for.

There was one big difference between Mr. Spock and myself: Mr. Spock trained himself not to have and not show any emotions, but he could read other people’s; whereas, I didn’t express emotions very well because I didn’t know how, and didn’t understand that they shouldn’t just be suppressed. Also, I didn’t know how to read other people’s emotions (except by God showing me by word of knowledge). My wife used to say to me, “Can’t you tell I’m upset?” and I just used to look back at her blankly. The answer, had I known what to say, would have been, “No, not unless you make it really obvious”. Now, of course, she can’t get away with anything, and that took a bit of getting used to on her part.

I don’t know about the strong part of strong and silent, by the silent part was often due to my being in a world of my own, frequently in thoughts miles away. Although, sometimes when I looked miles away, I was actually focussed on what was being said. Either way, people found this off-putting, and it made me difficult to relate to.

I still have the habit of drifting away (especially in meetings at work), which can be a source of embarrassment for various people. Part of this is that I still find relating to people quite tiring, the other is just long-standing habit. It feels like I lack mental or emotional fitness in the same way that I lack physical fitness (which my Mum calls middle age spread). That is changing slowly, but these kinds of skills seem to be harder to learn when you’re older.

Another habit I have had is talking in a monotone voice. Nowadays, I tend to fall into that if I am tired or feeling down. I don’t really remember how I spoke before I was healed, other than to say I was not very expressive, but I am able to talk expressively now.