The Onion of Forgiveness
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, is what Jesus said we should pray. There’s also the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant where the master releases the servant from a large debt, but the servant refuses to release someone else from a small debt, and so his release from the large debt is revoked.
Do we want to be forgiven by God for all sins, intentional or unintentional; past, present or future? That’s what’s on offer, and if so, we have to do the same for others. That means releasing people even if they’re not sorry or show any intentions of remorse, and that also means releasing them fully, without hoping some day that they will get their comeuppance. Most of us can remember a time when there were things that we stubbornly held out against turning away from, and yet we’re glad to be forgiven and have that behind us. By extrapolation, for all of us, there are things that we are still stubbornly holding out against, though we won’t be consciously aware of it or be ready to turn away from it. If that weren’t the case, we would be like Jesus, but we know we’re not there yet (if we are honest with ourselves). Do we want God to be merciful to us in our current circumstances, or would we rather have God’s judgement rain down on us? Sometimes, it feels like the latter is happening to us, and it may be that this sometimes is to do with our attitude towards others.
When someone hurts us, we want that person to experience the same pain that we have felt, preferably a bit more to be quite sure. We have an in-built instinct for vengeance and to see the perpetrator judged and punished, so that justice may prevail. God is the same, and the laws that he has created will ultimately always bring that to pass. However there is a principle that God has which is much better than that. If people are shown mercy rather than judgement, then they may react by changing their minds and, deciding that what they have been doing isn’t good, may change their ways. When this happens, they can exchange their sins for Jesus’ righteousness because of what Jesus did on the cross, and so they are viewed by God as not having sinned in the first place, and the slate is wiped clean. What good is it to us if we hold a grudge against someone who God has forgiven? We are the ones in the wrong then. Also, if we want God’s love and grace to flow through us, then we need to show the same mercy that God does.
One feature about feeling bitterness towards someone is that the acid eats away at us on the inside, and in the end it we that continue to suffer, and not the person who hurt us. Even if justice is served on that person, it doesn’t fully release us from the pain that they caused. Being resentful towards someone because of what they did creates an unhealthy bond between us and that person, that actually affects the way both we and they behave. For example, we may not be able to look that person in the eye, or may keep avoiding them. They may feel that they can never hold a normal conversation with us and always be on the defensive.
Usually, we have to make an active choice to forgive someone who has hurt us. It doesn’t come naturally. But we need to be honest with ourselves, and realise that even when we do choose to forgive someone (which can be very difficult) we have often not really forgiven them deep down. This is quite normal and to be expected. Forgiveness comes in layers, like the layers of an onion. The more deeply we are hurt, the deeper inside the onion the cut goes. We have to forgive layer by layer, going deeper and deeper until at last we have released the other person from our hearts. We need God’s help and grace to be able to do this and, if the hurt is deep, this may take some time. Our deepest wounds are usually inflicted by those closest to us: parents, spouses, family, friends and the church. These are people with whom we are most vulnerable, and we need to recognise the hurts that have occurred, particularly those caused by an absence of action which should have been taken.
When I am choosing to forgive someone, I pray this prayer (or something very similar):
I recognise that ……… hurt me by doing ……… It made me feel ……… I choose to forgive ……… for doing ……… They owe me nothing, not even an apology I release them to God’s mercy