The Father Wound

If there is one emotional wounding that pervades all wounds it has to be the father wound. It is the separation between mankind and God the Father that has the been at the root of so much heartache since the first people fell from God’s favour. So much of our emotional well-being comes from our relationships with our own fathers, though our society no longer recognises that. Current thinking is that people who are orphans and have lost both parents have had a raw deal, but the Bible talks in the same way about those who are fatherless.

Here are some of the things that fathers do for their children:

• They provide a secure material environment in which to grow up
• They teach right from wrong, and provide discipline to reinforce it
• The tell them who they are and give them identity
• They point out all the things they are good at and encourage them in it
• They have time for the them and take interest in the things that are important to them
• They recognise when other people have wronged them, encouraging them and showing how to rightly handle the situation
• They stick up for them when things are tough
• They are patient with their failings and do not come down heavily
• They encourage their initiative and creativity
• They foster an environment of love, trust and generosity, setting an example
• They pass on what they have learned so far in their lives, including skills, understanding of life and what God is like
• … and many other things along those lines

For all of us, our own fathers have let us down to one degree or another in most of those areas. We set out in married life aiming to do better with our own children that our fathers did with us, and yet so many of us who have grown up children, realise that we didn’t do much better, even though we really wanted to.

In my own family down the generations, we have been quite good at the material provision, the right-from-wrong bit and providing a reasonable home environment, but many of the other areas have been significantly lacking, and some drastically so. My own image of what God the Father is like has been coloured by this. Many people have a kind of poverty mentality, thinking that God is really stingy, but this has not been much of an issue with me. I have, though, had great difficulty in believing that God will back me up in what I do, and that he will provide any sort of emotional support.

So many people talk about God as if he is the man in the sky with the big stick: remote and only interested in coming down on us like a ton of bricks if we do anything wrong. They have little concept that he could have any of the qualities that I have listed above, and can see no practical way in which God could provide any of those things to them anyway. This, combined with the failings of their own earthly fathers, leaves them with such a gaping wound.

Other people see God as someone who cares, but must be obeyed at all times. Life is about hearing God’s will and doing it. God has a detailed plan for every aspect of our lives, and all we have to do is find out what it is and follow it. This sounds very plausible in the context of the Lordship of Christ, but it is flawed. It makes us out to be slaves and God out to be a control freak. But God is looking for sons, not slaves. I, and lots of people I know, used to think like this. It’s not as if God doesn’t have a plan for our lives. It’s more of a framework to operate in rather than a detailed set of instructions, and we are free to show initiative but also to ask God for advice whenever we want it. My experience is that God doesn’t tell us to do things, getting disappointed and cross if we don’t do it. It’s more that he asks us to do things and is really grateful when we do them. This is such a difference in attitude and the way we perceive God, and is much more motivating too. We’re supposed to have a thankful heart towards God, but it’s not very easy having that if we think of him not being similar towards us.

Yet, without an increasing and deepening understanding of the father-heart of God, it is so difficult to foster the kind of direct relationship with God that enables him to bring inner healing. Fortunately, there is an increasing emphasis on this teaching going on at the moment, and there a courses and seminars going on all the time in different places. Well known in amongst all of this is the Father’s Love Letter, which is a letter from God to us made up of Bible verses.